Out of The Norm

The Norm and... well, just the Norm really!

2007-03-16T22:34:00.000Z

*Comic relief is on and Justin from 'The Darkness' is singing*

Norm: he reminds me of that guy from The Darkness

Me: he is the man from The Darkness

Mum: who did you think he was?

Norm: umm... the man from 'Changing Rooms'!

Mum: Laurence Llewelyn Bowen!?

The Norm and geographical places

2007-03-16T22:33:00.000Z

Me: I went to visit Barry Island the other day

Norm: who's he?

Me: Barry Island!

Norm: yeh I've never heard of him before

Me Barry ISLAND!!!!

The Norm and The New Covenant

2007-03-12T16:33:00.000Z

Sets scene: Martyn, Mavis, Maxine, Tessa, Lozza & The Norm are all sat round the table on a Sunday evening at church answering questions about The New Covenant which was this week's bible study.

Martyn: I think the New Covenant requires slightly more than The Old Covenant even though we are covered by grace because in The Old Covenant it says "Do not murder" however in The New Covenant it says "Even if you have anger in your head or thought a thought that is as good as the act itself"

The Norm: When I read that I always think "DAMN"

*Everyone looks at The Norm"

The Norm: Well, no I don't mean "DAMN" I mean "DA.............................. AMN"

*Everyone laughs*

The Norm way to be a dad

2007-03-01T16:11:00.000Z

Loz: Hi Norm

The Norm: WOAH Loz it's hot in here.

Loz: I know I like the heat - feel my hands.

The Norm: yeah they're cold but you shouldn't have it so hot in here it's bad for the immune system.

Loz: Really? I have a bad immune system.

The Norm: Do you?

Loz: Yeah

The Norm: It's probably because the heat *turns the heater off*

*The Norm then chats on about school for 10mins*

Loz: Norm I think Timmay is waiting for you to do bible study upstair so you better go.

The Norm: ok I'm going *firm strict voice* DO NOT TURN THE HEATER BACK ON.

Loz: *scared* ok dad.

Siblin domestic

2007-02-23T11:08:00.000Z

The Norm: I can't believe you Gem? You didn't make me dinner so I had to have weetabix

Gem: Well, you can make your own dinner.

The Norm: No you should make me dinner now you're at Uni!

Gem: You could have easily put a pizza IN the oven.

The Norm: No last time I put a pizza IN the oven when getting it OUT of the oven it went all over the floor.

Loz and Gem: So you could have put a pizza IN the oven.

The Norm and stupid questions

2007-02-17T21:25:00.000Z

Norm: I shower twice a day

Me: You shouldn't shower twice because it dries out your skin

Norm: ah, that's where I'm going wrong, what about if you have a shower and a bath?

Me & mum laugh... lots

Norm: why are you laughing, I still don't know the answer!

The Norm and understanding what he means.

2007-02-09T16:16:00.000Z

The Norm: I don't care what I say, I am just trying to understand it.

The Norm and Height

2007-02-08T23:36:00.000Z

Norm: If I didn't have my back I'd be 2 inches taller.

The Norm has a back

2007-02-08T16:50:00.000Z

The Norm: I was bent before I had a back!

The Norm and the Law

2007-01-28T21:48:00.000Z

Justin: Tristan's break lights are out.

Tom: Oh yeah. He'll need to get that fixed.

Norm: Yeah. If he doesn't get it fixed and gets pulled over by the police, he'll have his license removed.

The Norm (Submitted by Mr & Mrs T)

2007-01-28T21:46:00.000Z

The Norm and Hair Products

2007-01-28T21:44:00.000Z

Norm: It was yesterday. I was knackered and rushing to get ready for the Rovers match. So I picked up a blue can of hairspray and started spraying my hair with it.

But it started to smell a bit funny... so I looked at the can.

It was Sure4Men deoderant.

Us: Hahahaha! Was it the anti-perspirant one?

Norm: Yeah

The Norm and Music

2007-01-21T00:22:00.000Z

Norm: It has that music 'smell'.

The Norm's neighbourhood!!

2006-12-14T09:01:00.000Z

The Norm: Yeah this area is the ghetto but it's all good because it's not my neighbourhood.

Loz: Norm? You live on this street.

The Norm and his "Girlfriend"

2006-11-28T16:39:00.000Z

Lozza: So who's this Amy?

The Norm: She's my friend

Lozza: Oh I thought she was your girlfriend?

The Norm: She is my girlfriend

Lozza & Char: *give each other confused looks*

The Norm: oh not my "girlfriend" but my "girlfriend" You know what I mean.

Lozza: You mean she's a girl that is a friend don't you.

The Norm: Yeah my girlfriend.

The Norm and Tailor Made Suits

2006-11-27T16:55:00.000Z

Saturday: 2pm

Tom is chatting to T about getting a suit.

Norm: Oh. You're getting a suit are you? You should go to Marks and Spencers. They have a really good suits section. They had a guy there who measures you and I had mine tailor made.

Tom: Oh right. (thinking - I don't really want to spend money on a tailor made one)

Saturday: 4pm

Tom: Andy said that Marks and Spencers were good for suits didn't he?

T: Yeah. Didn't he say he got his tailor made though?

Tom: I think so. Isn't that really expensive though? Like £300. Somehow I don't think Jill is going to spend that much on Andy when he hasn't even finished growing yet.

T: Ha. I bet it wasn't tailor made. I bet he was just measured and they found one that fit. We should ask him if he got his 'tailor made' suit on the same day.

Saturday: 8:30pm - Queuing up for Bond

Tom: Andy? Did you get your tailor made suit on the same day?

Norm: Yeah.

Mystery solved.

The Norm and 007

2006-11-27T16:50:00.000Z

We'd just finished watching Casino Royal, the 'prequel' to all the other 20 James Bond films.

Andy: "That was amazing! They should definitely make a sequel to that!"

Us: "Umm. Andy? There's about 20 other sequels already."

The Norm and Microwaves

2006-11-22T18:02:00.000Z

Just thought I would share this text message to you people from my mum:

Hi gem, thought you would like to blog this- your brother put his jam
pudding in the microwave on 40 hours instead of 30 seconds!!!

The Norm and Simon's dinner.

2006-10-30T11:41:00.000Z

Sets the scene

Char, Naomi, Lozza and Luke had been preparing and cooking curry for 19 people. Lozza didn't quite get the dishing out done properly and at the end there was no rice left for 2 people. So Lozza and Simon had curry and Nam bread with no rice. After The Norm has finished his dinner he decided to start cleaning the kitchen while others are still eating.

He picks up one of the youth's plates that has a few left overs on

The Norm: Si what do I do with the plates with left overs on?

Simon: Scape them into the bin.

Simon starts making someone a drink and The Norm continues scraping stuff in the bin.

Simon: Norm? Where is my plate of food that I left on the side?

The Norm: *looks up guiltily with the now scraped plate in his hand*

Simon: Norm, that was my dinner - it was a full plate that hadn't even been touched.

The Norm: I thought it looked like someone had left a lot but there was no rice on the plate.

Simon had to go with no dinner.

Later in the day. The Norm is speaking to Jamie.

The Norm: I feel so bad about chucking Simon's dinner in the bin, and I am really really sorry about it but *evil laugh* it was sooooo funny.

The Norm is a true professional when it comes to sport.

2006-10-30T11:37:00.000Z

The Norm: Tennis is the hardest sport to become a professional in.

Lozza: I thought it would have been golf?

The Norm: Well, they're both the same they're both ladder sports, you have to climb the ladder in both the sports, you know what I mean, ladder sports. Yeah yeah they're ladder sports.

Simon: You're both wrong the hardest sport to be a professional in is tiddilywinks.

The Norm theory when scuba diving!

2006-10-30T11:31:00.000Z

Sets the scene...

A small group of us were in Simon and Jane's front room chatting and watching an old James Bond movie that was on in the background. James Bond goes scuba diving without a wetsuit.

Lozza: Why isn't he wearing a wetsuit?

The Norm: Because it's the Caribbean.

Lozza: That shouldn't matter there is still dangerous stuff in the water that he should be protected from, plus it would be cold down there.

The Norm: No. The deeper you dive the warmer it is because you're getting closer to the centre of the earth. So no need for a wetsuit.

The Norm and Self Awareness

2006-10-16T17:51:00.000+01:00

Tom: ... and Andy's got his sweat band on.

Andy: No I haven't.

*looks at wrist*

Yes I have.

The Norm and Celestrial Bodies

2006-10-12T19:44:00.000+01:00

Night time.
Bright moon.

Andy: The sun is shinning really brightly.

The Norm when meeting people

2006-08-14T16:26:00.000+01:00

Lozza: He of the 10 shampoos told me that he remembers that I was the first person to say hello to him, the first time he came to church. It really blessed me that he would remember something like that.

The Norm: *Looks at Neil* Neil when you first came to church you were the first person to talk to me.

Considering The Norm had been coming to the church about 7 years before Neil arrived that's pretty saddening. ;).

The norm when on the phone

2006-08-07T09:29:00.000+01:00

On msn

Lozza says: Hi Norm - is your mum at home?

The Norm says: Yep

Lozza says: Ok I am just gona give her a ring.

on the phone

The Norm: Hello?

Lozza: It's me can I speak to your mum?

The Norm: Yeah *wanders round the house with phone* Mum? Mum? Mum? Mum? Mum? *wanders some more* Mum? Mum? Mum? *puts phone to ear and mouth* Um Lozza it seems that she's not here.

The Norm's taste in music

2006-08-05T19:17:00.000+01:00

The Norm and names

2006-07-08T19:38:00.000+01:00

Lozza and Tommy had been discussing the situation with Lozza's car for some time and discussing about oil leaks and all sorts. Half way through the conversation this happens.

Lozza: Vinny smells like refreshers at the moment, it's the new cherry air freshner I have.

The Norm: Vinny? Who's he?

Tommy: Vinny is a she for some reason but I agree it's a silly name for a girl.

The Norm: Vinny must have really cool parents to call her that.

Lozza: Yes Norm her mum is certainly very cool by the way her name is Vinny Gandolf Jones, that's gotta be the coolest name ever right?

The Norm: OH IT'S YOU.

Lozza: No Vinny's my car and I am her cool mum.

The Norm and Wedding Rehearsals

2006-06-26T22:54:00.000+01:00

Nick: So we'll practise next at the wedding rehearsal?

Us: Yeah.

Norm: Is it gonna be a full dress rehearsal?

the norm and sisters

2006-06-22T10:40:00.000+01:00

Down town wiv The Norm, Mike(Simon's friend), Simon, Sam and Me.

Mike: So, what's your sister doing next year?

Norm: She's going to University

Mike: Which one?

Norm: My older one....

Mike: Noooo! which university?!

hahhahahahhahahahha, then...

Mike: Please tell me you have two sisters??

Norm: No I have one................

Doh!

When The Norm's not around

2006-06-09T09:36:00.000+01:00

The Norm's sister steps in...

Lozza: Wow Gemma, your hair is getting really long!

Gemma (Norm's sister): My name is Gemma not Nami!

Lozza: *confused* I called you Gemma!!!

Babz: Yeah she definitely called you Gemma.

Only The Norm

2006-06-05T15:48:00.000+01:00

Could carry off wearing a T-shirt that says...

I've found Jesus...

He was behind the sofa

The Norm and the world cup

2006-06-03T16:58:00.000+01:00

Tommy: So who did you pull out of the draw?

The Norm: I've got Sandy owrabia

The Norm knows Jack Johnson?!?!?!?!?!

2006-05-31T22:48:00.000+01:00

Lozza and The Norm had been sat together on the stage at church for some time, The Norm had been playing allsorts of songs on his guitar and Lozza had been singing along to Nirvana, blur, oasis and even Cold Play.

Lozza: Hmmm so what are you going to play next?

The Norm: I know I'll do some Jack Johnson

*The Norm then looks at his guitar and turns to look at Lozza*

The Norm: Slight problem, I don't know any Jack Johnson.

The norm when it comes to jacket potatoes

2006-05-31T22:46:00.000+01:00

Loz: I seriously had the biggest jacket potato you would have ever seen for my dinner, no lie, it was huge.

The Norm: No, I've had one bigger.

The Norm and Temperatures

2006-05-01T22:14:00.000+01:00

While waiting for food, Tom is holding a refridgerated can of coke.

Norm: You better drink that before it gets cold.

The Norm and Encouragement

2006-04-22T23:45:00.000+01:00

While in the changing rooms for footy:

Gaz: I need to perform this week Nig. I played crap last week.

Norm: Yeah. You did play crap.

Someone: Ha. That's not very encouraging, And!

Norm: Yeah... well no...

*pause*

But it's true!

The Norm and Christian Holidays

2006-04-14T00:02:00.000+01:00

Tuesday Night:

Norm: I'm going to my relatives house on the weekend.

Us: Why?

Norm: We always go there for Christmas...

The Norm and firearms

2006-04-09T23:06:00.000+01:00

Norm: It's like a gun through the heart...

*pause*

Norm: Err, I mean a bullet!

The Norm and transport

2006-04-09T00:10:00.000+01:00

On way back from the fireworks in town...

Norm: yeh, it would have been cool if we had caught the fairy.

Me: don't you mean a 'ferry'!!?!

Both of us: hahahahahahahahaha

The Norm's theory when it comes to Americans dating

2006-03-30T09:21:00.000+01:00

The Norm: It's just like Americans isn't it?

Lozza: What is?

The Norm: Amercans... You know they just go up to people and chat. For example *Puts on BAAADDDD American accent*

"Hi there how are you doing?"
"Hi there I'm fine and how are you?"
"I'm fine to."
"good"
"good"
"you wana date me"
"yeah sure where shall we go"
"like to a restaurant"
"sure"

The Norm: so Loz is that how you get dates?

Lozza: NOOOOOOOO.

The Norm and The Gospel

2006-03-30T00:03:00.000+01:00

For data protection reasons we have changed one of the names in this Normism to Spaz Mcgee.

Nigel: We should pray for the opporunities to share with Spaz Mcgee about our Christianity.

The Norm: Oh I talk to him all the time

*LOOOOOOONNNNGGG PAUSE*

The Norm: Not about God though!

The Norm and hair

2006-03-27T22:09:00.000+01:00

Norm: Yeah. He's got a good style going on. Like with his hair and sunglasses.

Tom: Andy. He's bald.

The Norm and cash machines

2006-03-20T10:37:00.000Z

Norm: I'm not sure if I can remember my PIN number...

Us: Well you can try it three times anyway and it won't take your card unless you get it wrong three times.

*The Norm goes off to the cash point to try his luck*

Norm: Yeah! I remembered my PIN number. At least I think it was mine. I hope I took out my money.

Us: What do you mean 'your money'?

Norm: You know like if I went into somebody elses account by mistake.

*pause*

Norm: You can't hack into to someone elses account can you?

Just for The Norm

2006-03-19T21:26:00.000Z

The poem below is dedicated to The Norm.

You make us laugh nearly every day

You make us laugh in every possible way

We think you are a bright shining star

You are the best comedian we know by far

Don't ever stop being You

Because we just wouldn't know what to do..

Norm's theory on losing things...

2006-03-18T19:06:00.000Z

Gem: Do you know where my mp3 player is?

Norm: No, why where is it?

Gem: (slowly) I don't know that's why I just asked you...

Norm: Oh... have you lost it?

Gem: (sarcastically) Noooo, I'm just asking you for no reason!

Norm: Well there's different kinds of lost isn't there

Gem: Eh!?

Norm: Y'know like you can lose something or you can like really lose something

Gem: ..... whatever

A step out of The Norm

2006-03-17T17:14:00.000Z

According to The Norm's Solid Friends

The Norm way to play.

2006-03-13T12:58:00.000Z

Timmay and The Norm were discussing worship songs.

The Norm: yeh, you just cant play what you just cant play.

Timmay: *thinks* how true!

Submitted to Lozza by Timmay.

Random but The Norm

2006-03-03T09:05:00.000Z

The Norm: I'm fat thumb and I like chips.

Taken from a past youth church weekend away.

The Norm hearing things

2006-03-01T17:45:00.000Z

The Norm is waiting for a lift...

The Norm suddenly gets up and leaves slamming the door...

10 seconds later, The Norm comes back inside the house...

"Was it me or did you hear a car beep?"

The Norm and the walls of Jericho!

2006-02-28T22:43:00.000Z

TMWTFSWIS: was it Bob the builder?

The Norm: we don't have a Bob in our church... we should.

Found on Luke's blog

The norm at the race track

2006-02-28T22:40:00.000Z

The Norm: Yeah Donnington is a rubbish track no wonder they don’t have F1 there

Loz: Why’s it rubbish??

The Norm: Well, it just has straight bits and then a hurricane

Loz: *LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY*

The Norm: What’s so funny?? Lots of race tracks have hurricanes you know??

Loz: Um no lots of race tracks have chicanes!!! You know???

Found on Lozza's blog

Not so much the norm

2006-02-28T22:39:00.000Z

The Norm: Loz, before you were a Christian did you used to bunk off school?

Loz: Yeah, but not very often

The Norm: Did you used to bunk of with Martin?

Loz: No Norm, Martin is 34 years old making him 12 years older than me!!!!!!!

The Norm: Oooooh I thought you guys were the same age!

Found on Lozza's blog

Typical Normism

2006-02-28T22:37:00.000Z

Neil: Hi Siân

Loz: I am not going to respond to that.

Tommy: But you should respond to Siân, Siân.

Tristan: Yes

THE NORM: Who's Siân?

Tommy: Don’t you know who Siân is?

THE NORM: Ohhh yeah I know, isn’t he a boy Loz used to like..

Loz: No NORM, Siân is a girls name

THE NORM: Don’t lie

Loz: I am not lieing, and this is why I hate the name..

THE NORM: Well, who’s Siân then?

Tristan: She’s someone who goes to church!!!

THE NORM: Oh is she new?

Tommy: No but she is very close to you right now..

THE NORM: *Looks at Kathryn and looks to Tommy to see if he is right*

Tommy: Nooooo!!!

Loz: NORM I am Siân!!!

THE NORM: No you’re not, you're Loz?!?!

Loz: Yes I am....

Tristan: You should so blog this.

From Lozza's blog

The norm way

2006-02-28T22:35:00.000Z

Gem: What happened?

THE NORM: Don't know

Gem: why are you laughing then??

THE NORM: Because it's funny

Lozza found this on Gems blog

The Norm way to fall over

2006-02-28T22:32:00.000Z

THE NORM: I fell over the hoover earlier today mum

Mum: really?

THE NORM: yea but its ok cos I know how to fall

Gem: what do you mean?!

THE NORM: well I know how you're meant to fall so you don't hurt yourself like you fall over sideways

Mum: but what if it happens by surprise?

THE NORM: well..... blah blah blah blah blah .

Lozza found this on Gems blog

The Norm being The Norm

2006-02-28T22:30:00.000Z

THE NORM: why are you laughing?!

Gem: because its funny! Why are you laughing?

THE NORM: because its not funny.... I feel drugged-up again

Lozza found this on Gem's blog

The Norm at the Harbourside Festival

2006-02-28T22:26:00.000Z

The Norm: I think all the stalls here are from French people

*Tom looks up at sign on closest stall which reads "Best British Meat"*

Lozza found this on Tom's blog